Old people...what's the point of them?

I've had my Grandma stay up at my house this week. It's so fucking annoying. I've had to move downstairs and sleep on the sofabed in the family room so that she can shit and piss in my bed for 7 days! It's fucking ridiculous.

Go piss in someone else's bed!


Then I asked myself: "What's the point?" Seriously why are old people still around? They don't do anything! They just look at things and complain and depress everyone around them with their fascist views on the world around them. They should just kill themselves because they're just a liability to the rest of us.

Hurry the fuck up!


The world literally slows down wherever they are. When they drive, when they walk, when they talk, when they order, when they KEEP ASKING YOU TO REPEAT YOURSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!..YOU CUNTS!!!



So many hours of my life have been wasted visiting my grandparents. It's so boring that I want to rip their faces off and use them as tissues for wanking into. The possibility of inheriting their money is the only thing that stops me from shouting at them and telling them how fucking useless they are.

Advanced White or Max White?

So I'm shopping again, and I want some toothpaste. Simple task right? No. It isn't. I pick up the 'Advanced White' Colgate toothpaste with its magic whitening crystals that apparently "explode with whitening power inside your mouth" (according to some horny marketing executive), but then I see Colgate 'MaxWhite'...



Surely the best whitening toothpaste would be the Advanced White? I mean that's why it's advanced. If it's not the best then it should be called 'Average Whitening'. But no, there's MaxWhite in the mix now, just to make your decision even more complicated than it already is. So which do I go for? The Advanced one or the one that implies it has the maximum amount of "whitening power" possible. On top of that there's MaxFresh for ultra fresh breath, but I want that as well! I want white teeth AND fresh breath! WHY CAN'T I HAVE BOTH YOU SHIT!?

So I go for MaxWhite, because logically that will be the best at making my teeth white, because it is the maximum, meaning nothing else can get 'em more white. Of course it makes no fucking difference whether I use that or horse shit for toothpaste, cause my teeth always stay exactly the same regardless.

I hate marketing bullshit. And Colgate toothpaste is probably the biggest example of it. I just want toothpaste that will make my teeth fucking white so I can get laid. That's all I want. That's what all men want out of a toothpaste at the end of the day. If you want toothpaste to fly off the shelves, call it 'Get Laid Paste'. Then you could also make one for women called 'Post BJ Paste', that is specially designed to get rid of 'man paste'.

Charity people are cunts!

People who do things for charity are the most annoying cunts in the world, even more so than the beggers they're trying to "help". No one gives a shit about their charity. If they did they would be doing something about it themselves without charity ***** coming up to them and saying how bloody important it is that they raise enough money to do something for women with mutating vaginas. Especially when they know nothing about it themselves.



Charity people are attention seekers at the end of the day. They'd still do the stupid things they do whether you give them money or not. Really the fund raising is just a way of justifying their pointless life experiences. My way around people asking me for money for charity is I tell them I'll give them £100 if they DON'T do the fucking stupid thing they're planning on doing. We'll see how much they care about endangered sperm whales then.

The bath half marathon was on fairly recently, all full of idiots in costumes because they're such a good laugh. Oh they're so fucking funny running dressed as batman and robin. If only I could be so clever and funny as to run for miles dressed as a complete tosser. It's pathetic. If you're going to run it do it properly and stop drawing attention to yourself you pitiful waste of space.

Slugs are shit!

Why do slugs even exist? They don't do anything. They just slither around looking like turds, that's it!

Pointless.

Skiing is for wankers.

I hate fucking skiing. It's for wankers to go somewhere they can ponce around in their designer ski goggles and show off to other wankers whose idea of a fun holiday is smashing their face open on a someone else's skis. I've been skiing before, and it's shit. You go to the top of a mountain, then you go back down again. What's the point? It's so fucking dangerous! You're going down a mountain on a couple of glamorised blanks of wood at the same time as a hundred other wankers trying to prove they're just as much of an idiot as you are. And what's worse is parents make their kids do it! "don't worry daughter, it's worth risking your mobility to prove to my friends I'm better than them, trust me :)".



Of course these wankers are more worried about how much money they can prove they have by being seen wearing £1000 ski jackets, because that's more important. Ski resorts are a brilliant idea though from a business point of view. Build up a reputation for being the holiday destination for the elite, then once the morons are down, charge them the earth for lessons, and if they're stupid enough to actually ski down the slopes charge them again for rescuing them by dragging them to the medical centre in a sleeping bag, and then charge them again for telling them they've crippled themselves for life :D. You gotta love the skiing holiday.

"Did I tell you about my Rolex?"


I don't know about you, but my idea of a holiday is lying on a hot beach in the sun with an ice cold pineapple juice, with a pineapple in it, whilst watching hot women playing volleyball by the sea and occasionally falling in, getting themselves all wet and splashing each other. You don't get that with skiing though. All you get is long queues to get onto the ski lifts and a wanker telling you about his new Bentley.

Sainsbury's self checkouts are as retarded as their staff

I went shopping yesterday to buy some more food so I don't die, and I noticed the Sainsbury's in Bath has got rid of loads of its manned checkouts with self checkouts. That's fine, but they've completely fucked everything up. The system doesn't work. You scan the food, you put it down, then it just gets taken away on the conveyor belt to make one big fucking mess at the end. If you don't have someone with you to pack your stuff you're screwed and everything takes 4 times longer than if a human was put on it (and that's saying something).

Look! This is what happens!



And why don't the staff help? They just stand there watching you struggle with your impossible problem. Laughing at you, knowing that you've made a huge mistake taking on the giant puzzle that is the Sainsbury's self checkout.

And what the fuck is up with that "Unexpected item in the bagging area!" bullshit? It's basically calling me a a thief. It might as well say "Oi you pikey! You think I'm stupid? I know you haven't scanned those digestive biscuits! STAFF! STAAAFFFF!". I'll stick my balls in the bagging area next time, see if it expects that.

I'll tell you what else I don't like about pissing Sainsbury's, nectar points. You have to spend £300 in Sainbury's to get £2.50 back off your shopping. "Wow I've come to the end of my University year and now I can save 2 whole fucking pounds and 50 shitty pence on anything I like in the shop! I think I'll treat myself to some Sainsbury's basics bog roll! :D" It makes me sick. £2.50 would get you half a double vodka red bull in a club, or a quarter of a student discounted medium dominoes meatzza pizza. Pathetic.

Stupid statue man cont.

He was fucking there again. I really am getting pissed off with him being there. Why is he there? Why does he bother? He's such an idiot. I just want him to go away. I don't like him.

Look, another pigeon has landed on his head with it's ass aimed at his face.



This is fucking ridiculous. It's not entertainment. The only slightly entertaining part is the suspense of waiting to see if the pigeon is going to crap on his face. That's it! I'd rather take a diarrhoea shit on my own face than watch this embarrassment of a human being making an ass of himself.

I mean look at the morons staring at him like he's the 8th wonder of the world. They're just as stupid as he is. They're just encouraging him. He can see them, if they all just ignored him he would go do something useful. As far as I'm concerned he isn't contributing to anything. At best he is helping pigeons find somewhere to land and defecate, a bird table is far more useful because that can have bird food in it as well.

I saw the Jamaican guitarist/busker in bath the same today. He was playing at the same time. He's brilliant. I fact I'm going to try to organise a busking stand off between him and statue fuck-face. That I would pay a lot of money to see. Then everyone would see what a true waste of time and space the statue man really is.