Travelling is for faggots

I hate people who go on about their pointless fucking travels to Thailand or wherever the fuck they go. Who the fuck cares? Why even go? It's all bollocks anyway. Everywhere is just shit. I went abroad once, and it was crap. There were just Greek people there and I couldn't understand a fucking word they were saying. What's the point in that? Why can't they speak properly like us? And why even go somewhere you can't speak to people. It's ridiculous!

Waste of time.


It's all a snob thing anyway. "Ooooo, look at me. I've been to 100 cities across the world!" First of all, How? They'd have to have travelled 24 hours a day for years because of all the time it takes to get anywhere. Don't they have anything better to do than look at buildings? All that money pissed away on planes and hotels just to brag to your friends you've been there when you could just look at photos on google images.

No one cares!


Then they say they loved the culture. What culture? Putting your own shit into a bin like the Greeks? That's not culture, that's fucking disgusting. Who puts shit in a bin? Only someone who is completely mental. When I was over there I put my shitty toilet paper in the toilet like a NORMAL PERSON.

What the fuck!?


I'm quite happy in my house playing on my Xbox. I can't do that abroad and even if I did what's the point? TV and films are in gibberish and to top it off you can't eat or drink anything without getting the shits. So my advice is stay at home.

Old people...what's the point of them?

I've had my Grandma stay up at my house this week. It's so fucking annoying. I've had to move downstairs and sleep on the sofabed in the family room so that she can shit and piss in my bed for 7 days! It's fucking ridiculous.

Go piss in someone else's bed!


Then I asked myself: "What's the point?" Seriously why are old people still around? They don't do anything! They just look at things and complain and depress everyone around them with their fascist views on the world around them. They should just kill themselves because they're just a liability to the rest of us.

Hurry the fuck up!


The world literally slows down wherever they are. When they drive, when they walk, when they talk, when they order, when they KEEP ASKING YOU TO REPEAT YOURSELF OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!..YOU CUNTS!!!



So many hours of my life have been wasted visiting my grandparents. It's so boring that I want to rip their faces off and use them as tissues for wanking into. The possibility of inheriting their money is the only thing that stops me from shouting at them and telling them how fucking useless they are.

Advanced White or Max White?

So I'm shopping again, and I want some toothpaste. Simple task right? No. It isn't. I pick up the 'Advanced White' Colgate toothpaste with its magic whitening crystals that apparently "explode with whitening power inside your mouth" (according to some horny marketing executive), but then I see Colgate 'MaxWhite'...



Surely the best whitening toothpaste would be the Advanced White? I mean that's why it's advanced. If it's not the best then it should be called 'Average Whitening'. But no, there's MaxWhite in the mix now, just to make your decision even more complicated than it already is. So which do I go for? The Advanced one or the one that implies it has the maximum amount of "whitening power" possible. On top of that there's MaxFresh for ultra fresh breath, but I want that as well! I want white teeth AND fresh breath! WHY CAN'T I HAVE BOTH YOU SHIT!?

So I go for MaxWhite, because logically that will be the best at making my teeth white, because it is the maximum, meaning nothing else can get 'em more white. Of course it makes no fucking difference whether I use that or horse shit for toothpaste, cause my teeth always stay exactly the same regardless.

I hate marketing bullshit. And Colgate toothpaste is probably the biggest example of it. I just want toothpaste that will make my teeth fucking white so I can get laid. That's all I want. That's what all men want out of a toothpaste at the end of the day. If you want toothpaste to fly off the shelves, call it 'Get Laid Paste'. Then you could also make one for women called 'Post BJ Paste', that is specially designed to get rid of 'man paste'.

Charity people are cunts!

People who do things for charity are the most annoying cunts in the world, even more so than the beggers they're trying to "help". No one gives a shit about their charity. If they did they would be doing something about it themselves without charity ***** coming up to them and saying how bloody important it is that they raise enough money to do something for women with mutating vaginas. Especially when they know nothing about it themselves.



Charity people are attention seekers at the end of the day. They'd still do the stupid things they do whether you give them money or not. Really the fund raising is just a way of justifying their pointless life experiences. My way around people asking me for money for charity is I tell them I'll give them £100 if they DON'T do the fucking stupid thing they're planning on doing. We'll see how much they care about endangered sperm whales then.

The bath half marathon was on fairly recently, all full of idiots in costumes because they're such a good laugh. Oh they're so fucking funny running dressed as batman and robin. If only I could be so clever and funny as to run for miles dressed as a complete tosser. It's pathetic. If you're going to run it do it properly and stop drawing attention to yourself you pitiful waste of space.

Slugs are shit!

Why do slugs even exist? They don't do anything. They just slither around looking like turds, that's it!

Pointless.

Skiing is for wankers.

I hate fucking skiing. It's for wankers to go somewhere they can ponce around in their designer ski goggles and show off to other wankers whose idea of a fun holiday is smashing their face open on a someone else's skis. I've been skiing before, and it's shit. You go to the top of a mountain, then you go back down again. What's the point? It's so fucking dangerous! You're going down a mountain on a couple of glamorised blanks of wood at the same time as a hundred other wankers trying to prove they're just as much of an idiot as you are. And what's worse is parents make their kids do it! "don't worry daughter, it's worth risking your mobility to prove to my friends I'm better than them, trust me :)".



Of course these wankers are more worried about how much money they can prove they have by being seen wearing £1000 ski jackets, because that's more important. Ski resorts are a brilliant idea though from a business point of view. Build up a reputation for being the holiday destination for the elite, then once the morons are down, charge them the earth for lessons, and if they're stupid enough to actually ski down the slopes charge them again for rescuing them by dragging them to the medical centre in a sleeping bag, and then charge them again for telling them they've crippled themselves for life :D. You gotta love the skiing holiday.

"Did I tell you about my Rolex?"


I don't know about you, but my idea of a holiday is lying on a hot beach in the sun with an ice cold pineapple juice, with a pineapple in it, whilst watching hot women playing volleyball by the sea and occasionally falling in, getting themselves all wet and splashing each other. You don't get that with skiing though. All you get is long queues to get onto the ski lifts and a wanker telling you about his new Bentley.

Sainsbury's self checkouts are as retarded as their staff

I went shopping yesterday to buy some more food so I don't die, and I noticed the Sainsbury's in Bath has got rid of loads of its manned checkouts with self checkouts. That's fine, but they've completely fucked everything up. The system doesn't work. You scan the food, you put it down, then it just gets taken away on the conveyor belt to make one big fucking mess at the end. If you don't have someone with you to pack your stuff you're screwed and everything takes 4 times longer than if a human was put on it (and that's saying something).

Look! This is what happens!



And why don't the staff help? They just stand there watching you struggle with your impossible problem. Laughing at you, knowing that you've made a huge mistake taking on the giant puzzle that is the Sainsbury's self checkout.

And what the fuck is up with that "Unexpected item in the bagging area!" bullshit? It's basically calling me a a thief. It might as well say "Oi you pikey! You think I'm stupid? I know you haven't scanned those digestive biscuits! STAFF! STAAAFFFF!". I'll stick my balls in the bagging area next time, see if it expects that.

I'll tell you what else I don't like about pissing Sainsbury's, nectar points. You have to spend £300 in Sainbury's to get £2.50 back off your shopping. "Wow I've come to the end of my University year and now I can save 2 whole fucking pounds and 50 shitty pence on anything I like in the shop! I think I'll treat myself to some Sainsbury's basics bog roll! :D" It makes me sick. £2.50 would get you half a double vodka red bull in a club, or a quarter of a student discounted medium dominoes meatzza pizza. Pathetic.

Stupid statue man cont.

He was fucking there again. I really am getting pissed off with him being there. Why is he there? Why does he bother? He's such an idiot. I just want him to go away. I don't like him.

Look, another pigeon has landed on his head with it's ass aimed at his face.



This is fucking ridiculous. It's not entertainment. The only slightly entertaining part is the suspense of waiting to see if the pigeon is going to crap on his face. That's it! I'd rather take a diarrhoea shit on my own face than watch this embarrassment of a human being making an ass of himself.

I mean look at the morons staring at him like he's the 8th wonder of the world. They're just as stupid as he is. They're just encouraging him. He can see them, if they all just ignored him he would go do something useful. As far as I'm concerned he isn't contributing to anything. At best he is helping pigeons find somewhere to land and defecate, a bird table is far more useful because that can have bird food in it as well.

I saw the Jamaican guitarist/busker in bath the same today. He was playing at the same time. He's brilliant. I fact I'm going to try to organise a busking stand off between him and statue fuck-face. That I would pay a lot of money to see. Then everyone would see what a true waste of time and space the statue man really is.

Is it me or is everyone mental?

Where do I start? I live with a fucking nutcase. I am never going to live with anyone I haven't known for more than few weeks again. I guess it would be a good idea to start from the beginning.

OK so the degree I'm on at University is really small, mainly because no one in their right mind would want to do it. Anyway I didn't network well enough in my circle of friends at Uni so myself and a fellow course mate had to find a couple of people to live with for our final year (but I also like meeting and making friends with new people, so I was up for it initially). So we met up with them a couple of times first and they seemed perfectly normal. However we later learnt that our judge of character was in need of some serious fine tuning.

Since we've lived this particular person we have encountered the following:

- Our rubbish being taken out of bins and left in the kitchen
- Our cooking being tampered with and then walking away acting like nothing has changed
- Electronic appliances being moved around the house for no reason
- Putting hundreds of pounds on our (shit) pre pay gas and electricity randomly with no explanation
- Being pressured into cycling up a giant fucking hill everyday to get to uni
- Random retarded outbursts of laughter that would freak out Marilyn Manson
- Turning the heating off as soon as we've put in on when we're freezing our ass off
- Stomping and jumping up and down the stairs
- Slamming each door he passes through

And that's just a small sample of the mental and weird shit he does. We put rubbish out, he brings it back in. But doesn't say a fucking thing! (see my green people post below). I feel like I'm living with a mental patient.

Right and take our TV. He put it in the most ridiculous place you could think of. Somewhere that you can't actually watch it. And his solution? Move it? Oh no. That would be something a normal person would do. So what does he do to solve this problem? Put it on bricks! Yes that's right, on top of fucking bricks. Like he has stolen its bloody wheels.





Remember, this student goes to one of the most highly regarded Universities in the UK. It says a lot for the current higher educational system.

For years I have been surrounded by weirdos, but living with one is one of the most psychologically stressful things I have ever done, and sometimes I feel like I must be going insane accepting these things going on. It's no wonder that in this day and age the most common reaction to a stranger approaching someone is "whoa!", "who are you?", "what do you want?" and "get the fuck away from me!".

Student life is tough enough as it is. And I can't wait to leave this behind and start living my life properly without having to lock my bedroom door every night just in case my housemate decides in the middle of the night to shit into his hands and rub it in my face while I'm asleep (he spends a damn long time in that bathroom...and he isn't washing himself that's for sure).

All Bath girls are whores!

I haven't had much luck with girls from bath, and I’ve recently discovered why after realizing the differences between single guys and guys in relationships. You see in order to get an English girl from Bath you need to be at least one of the following:

Tall
Dark
Handsome
Rich
Famous
Computer Illiterate

I used to think it was down to personality and confidence, but I now know that’s complete horse shit because there aren’t many girls I know going out with charismatic and humorous tramps.

So short poor people have two choices: Somehow become rich and famous, or purchase a mail order bride. Now some people would see this as degrading but since the only difference between a female friend and a girlfriend is the label “girlfriend”, it makes no difference how you get laid! I mean, you could say “she’s only married to you because she wanted a roof over her head” and the answer to that would be “so?” An Bath girl would only be married to you because of the 6 key personality traits I listed earlier.

I’ve actually done some research and look what I’ve found!
Hot Ukrainian Chick

She’s fucking hot! And I bet she doesn’t care about being seen with a man who knows what RAM is and doesn’t wear popped collared Abercrombie and Fitch polo shirts. It’s win/win. You get laid with a hottie and don’t have to put up with worries over superficial bullshit (as long she's kept away from Sex in the City and anything with Hugh Grant in it).

I’m now going to compare a long term relationship with a Bath girl and a mail order bride:

Bath Girl

Advantages:
Speaks good English

Disadvantages:
Speaks good English (so have to listen to nagging and complaining)
Kept on your toes with many demands
At first sign of reduction in wealth and status relationship will terminate
Must always be wearing at least one item of Jack Wills clothing

Expenses:
Her birthdays
Her friend’s birthdays
Her family’s birthdays
Going to Italy and zoos
Anniversaries
Valentines Day
Christmas
Her family’s Christmas
Jewellery
Shoes
Clothes
Handbags
Cinema tickets
Tapas restaurants
Whisky (for yourself)
Health Spas
BMW/Audi
200,000 miles depreciation

Mail Order Bride

Advantages:
Doesn’t speak much English
Simple arrangement
If things don't work out can buy another one

Disadvantages:
May just use you to get into country then flee

Expenses:
Rent

So as far as I’m concerned I’m sorted. Get job, get studio apartment, get mail order Ukrainian bride.

Diets…what a load of bullshit!

I heard in the news today that obesity is on the rise…again. I have had enough of people complaining about how fat everyone is as if it’s some strange phenomenon or it can’t be helped. If there’s one thing I hate, its fat people complaining about how fat they are. Why don’t they just try not eating so much crap? I don’t get it. I don’t understand why people can’t grasp the concept. You put more stuff in tummy, tummy gets bigger. It’s not anyone else’s fault, it’s your fault. You ate too much. And it wasn’t like these obese people took a wrong turn one afternoon and was fat the next day.



So the “solution” is diets. Can’t just stop eating so much, oh no. You have to eat certain foods at certain times and spend three times as much on help and advice than if you were to just buy and eat less food. Now if you’re morbidly obese and you’re fine with it, great. If you’re complaining about it, then it’s like punching yourself in the face and then complaining about the pain and black eyes.

Health warning: Stop eating so much shit you fat fuck!


As a rule of thumb, if it tastes good on its own it's bad for you, if it tastes awful on its own it's good for you. I personally find eating an inconvenience, and put it off as much as I can until eventually I have to eat so I can keep living. If I could go through life without every needing to eat I’d be quite happy, I’d save so much time and money! Now obviously that means I’m thin, but not skinny, probably because I eat loads of carbs and quick fix meals and not bird or rabbit food.

What is...?

I feel really sorry for fat kids because it’s not their fault their parents are retarded and/or cruel for feeding them so much. But as long as we allow retards to keep breeding tragedy this like will keep repeating itself. Personally I think wannabe parents should take a compulsory retard test before they’re allowed to have children. But then I guess the human race would eventually become extinct.


"You have FAILED as a parent!"

Green people. There to make your life that bit shitter.

I am sick to fucking death of green people telling me what to do with my life in order to save trees that don’t give a shit about me. You know who they are, the type of people who frown at you for using more than a drop of water to wash your hands and eating food that wasn’t grown in your own back garden and fertilized with your own feces. The sort of people who will hate you for using a car instead of cycling everywhere whilst breathing in the toxic bus fumes. I hate cyclists because they think they’re so much better than people who drive cars. Well here is a photo of a very typical cyclist.



I don’t have the patience to let my house become a giant recycling centre every week because the council picks up the recycling when they feel like it, the council seem to always take the bin liners so that’s how they’re gonna get it!. Here’s a photo of my impressive collection of rubbish due to the council not collecting it:



I put that garbage out earlier today but my green cyclist housemate brought it back in, even though he’s the one who couldn’t be bothered to sort it and I sorted it last time! So I put it back out there again just in time for the garbage men. And just to make sure they took it I spread it out over 3 houses! Here’s the proof of the success of my plan!



I’m a student. I have no money and hardly enough time as it is to do the tones of work given to me for my non-retard degree. I don’t give a shit about CO2 emissions or whatever the hell they are because I’m screwed over by the government and world enough as it is. Trees aren’t gonna help me get a job. Green people don’t think realistically or practically. If my friend is stranded in the city centre with a load of rapers round every corner and you tell them “I’ll be there in about half an hour after I get out my bike, stick my helmet on, stick reflectors to my ass, find somewhere to lock my bike, run and get you” they would already be gang raped…multiple times, with the entire ann summers toy collection, and so would you if you were stupid enough to go save them.

Green are they? More like brown cause they’re so full of shit. Once I have a job and my own place I might actually start turning my TV off standby. But let’s face it, we only live once so let enjoy it and let our kids worry about it. In fact if you don’t have kids then there’s no reason for you to care. So the more I get pestered to cycle, recycle, and reuse, the more I’m going to keep my car engine running all fucking day until they’ve all suffocated on my fumes whilst on their stupid child toys.

Stupid statue man

I went shopping today. Well I say shopping, I consider it a mission to find a certain item that meant I had to enter a shop in order to get it. I don't like shopping but it has to be done otherwise I'd be naked and/or dead.

I was walking through the high street and there was one of those stupid statue people who want you to give them money for just standing there. They're just ridiculous.



It's not entertaining at all. It's just a guy standing still. yet everyone still gawps at him, watching pigeons land on his head and waiting to see if they're going to crap in his hair. It's disgusting. If I wanted to watch stupid birds shitting all over people I'd download some scat porn.

OK fine he's gone to all the trouble of painting himself and he has stood still for a long time, but it's not fun or interesting. It's boring. I'm sure he'd make more money doing something useful. There are some still performers I see which are actually fun to watch that have cool clothes and look like they're part of a movie scene and do a slow motion act when someone pays them. But this guy doesn't, this guy is just shit! Shit at everything. He can't even make a success of standing still. He might as well just sit down on a bench and eat a sandwich, it would be just as interesting.

I mean why does this guy even bother getting up in the morning? Did one day he think "you know what? I'm going to do something with my life! I'm going to paint myself black then go stand in the street and get shat on by pigeons" What a ****ing nutcase. Don't give me that "oh he's a tramp and it's the only thing he can do" crap. First off, where does he get the paint? Does he keep finding it in a skip behind a paint factory? And it can't be any old paint, it must be some special stuff, so where does he get the money for that? Oh I know, the pennies people put in his pot. A great business model... Buy some paint to make money to buy some more ****ing paint. What an idiot.

He doesn't at atmosphere. He just looks stupid.

Apple Macbooks...what a load of marketing bullshit fueled crap

Warning: May contain extreme sarcasm.

Yeah OK... I guess this is a nerd rant, since no one can talk about anything IT related without sounding sad these days, because that's what has been socially programmed into us since we were school kids bullying and laughing at the future Facebook creators.

Macbooks are the biggest pile of Apple turd I've ever used (Not OSX mind you, but that's not as good as everyone says it is either in my opinion, but it is fast and we need alternatives to Windows :P, shame it can only be installed on Macs without any mucking around). First off, they cost a shit load more than its PC equivalent, and don't do anything more except run Final Cut Pro for video editing, which isn't any better than Adobe Premiere which media students can "purchase" for the PC (because media students have enough money to spend hundreds on software, everyone knows that, especially Apple).

Also, you have two options: Plastic White or Aluminium Silver, oh the choice. Rip off, or Deluxe Rip Off. Now I'm not going to bore you with a Mac/PC spec/price comparison because that would be pointless and embarrass anyone reading this on a Mac. But first off, I thought Macs were for media...right? Podcasts, video editing, and blogs (which apparently only Macs can do). So why the hell doesn't it have a firewire port? It's essential for plugging most decent video cameras into! iMovie complains when you open it because it can't find the firewire port, because it isn't fucking there. So now you have to buy a USB Camcorder? But USB camcorders are shit and many of them don't work with Macs. I guess music students can try busking to get the extra cash for a new Camcorder, but everyone else is screwed. If only they bought a MacBook pro their problems would be over I guess. And don’t give me that adapter shit! When I bought a macbook I didn’t realise how many adapters and software add ons you need to make it do what a PC has been doing for decades (like being able to plug it into a projector). So yeah you have an ultra portable notebook, shame you need to carry a dozen adapters with you too.

MacBook pros are somewhat useful I guess, as long as you install Windows as well so you're compatible with people who don't spend all on their money on an Apple logo. But the only people who can afford them are people with jobs but no lives except for making podcasts about how damn pointless their own lives actually are.

OK so to finish, I think Apple Macbooks are stylish, but not useful. Apple like taking stuff out of their products then selling it for more. They're a fashion icon, backed up by lying TV commercials that are so desperate they make tramps look well off. You’re “cool” if you have one, because they cost lots of money and people with lots of money have more friends.

I am now going to compare the Macbook to a cardboard box. Because I'm intrigued to find out which is the most useful and best value for money.

Macbook (Rip Off Deluxe Model)

Number of viruses: Few (Depending on Mac market share)
Weight: 2.04 kg
Storage: 160 Gigabyte of Podcasts
Battery Life: 5 hours
Firewire: No
Fun Features: Photoshop
Cost: $1,299

Cardboard Box

Number of viruses: None
Weight: 0.5Kg
Storage: Anything
Battery Life: Infinite
Firewire: Optional (You can push the cable into the box)
Fun Features: Can be a space ship, a race car, a boat, a den, a bed, hiding place, scaring people by jumping out of it.
Cost: $0.69

As you can see, the box clearly wins. It is much more flexible and fun than the Macbook, and is 0.053% of the price. The only thing the cardboard box can’t do that a Macbook can is edit your videos and post them on YouTube. However this doesn’t matter because the Macbook can’t upload your videos in the first place so the cardboard box actually wins at everything. So if you have some spare cash I highly recommend the cardboard box which you can purchase at all good DIY stores.

Tar rah!

My first post...

Well this is a bit shit isn't it?